24 February 2006

Chuck Norris Facts

The other day I came across another one of those phenomena that everybody seems to know about, but somehow has escaped my attention.
This time it's little known facts about Chuck Norris.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

  • Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

  • On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

  • Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

  • Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

  • Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

4 comments:

Dazza said...

Some more:
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the
director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of
Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and
the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the
light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse
kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for
super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct
species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake
before they could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get
out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green
number 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse
kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended
or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to
a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone
constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then
burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the
flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost
his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its
technical term: Jupiter.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to pidgeons
and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be
seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before anyone else.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
**** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage.

We know this beverage as Red Bull


The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three
died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "Say please...".

Thomas Siefert said...

Hi Dazza, see you learnt how to copy & paste or did you type it?

Anonymous said...

Whats copy and paste?

Thomas Siefert said...

Copy & Paste is an ancient art-form that pupils at school have rediscovered with the rise of the Internet.